I talk to myself. It started as a mechanism to beat loneliness. The voice in my head is a great friend. Articulate, always available, prioritizes me over others, a perfect companion.
Everyone needs a strength. From my childhood, I thought I could speak well. I could communicate effectively with everyeone. I knew more languages, had the most vocabulary. And invested time and effort to keep abreast on varied topics. For some reason i was convinced that I could use communication as a strength to make a difference in this world.
As with many people, one of my greatest fear is rejection. Social rejection, especially that which attacks my perceived strength. After years of practice, I have come to devise a mechanism to coexist with it. I created self defences.
For the most part, it works. Enough to get by for daily bread and so. Unless of course someone comes close enough, then they can see through the cracks. Which is why I don't like to get close to people, it Weakens the edifice of self defence.
The lack of intimacy or closeness makes me feel safe. Thing is, I like getting positive feedback from People who I think of as close to me. Genuineness is key. I thought I could make out between phoney compliments and genuine ones. But I suspect, in hindsight, that there have been more people who have used flattery and "friendship" to break my trust and utilize me for their gain. I have lost materially and otherwise whenever I have believed someone, and shared in trust. That sort of rejection creates a permanent dent in one's disposition I believe! Sharing stuff with people is dangerous.
In my youth, I thought of myself as a mildly interesting person. I use 'mildly' because I think it used to work when in a group. I could add to the group talk. I wouldn't have been much fun on my own, I guess. Because then I'd have close friends, isn't it? Some from my family and friends made me believe I was interesting, but then I think they could have been generous and polite? Well, by design or accident, if I see someone who appreciated time with me, i prefer they remember me as such. So, keeping à distance from past friends is sort of self preservation...
In some social groups like in my student life, Friends could have seen me as mildly witty and fun. I am good at sarcasm. I tease well. Light hearted from my standpoint. Later in life, I feel others may see it as excessive or too personal for their liking. The nicknames I created for fellow students were used among friends for years, still are. And it used to make me feel wanted. But now, It concerns me if I am seen as the side kick bully! Keeping my mouth shut would perhaps cap that risk...
Early in my office days, I realised that I rant and rave against the world in private conversation, mostly in sarcasm, and certainly to find common ground among comrades. It works well for sometime. But later I asked myself... the incessant cribbing is obviously not interesting to anyone beyond a point. Also, world is competitive, it may well use something I say against me. Especially in work environments. Is it worth to open one's mouth and self destruct?
People not listening to me, having attention elsewhere, cutting me off mid sentence, avoiding to spend time with me... These were rejections which were painful. But the increasing frequency of these occurrences, especially with immediate family at home, convinced me that what appears in my mind to be an interesting conversation is perhaps just a figment of my imagination. Like a lab rat conditioned with stimuli, I learnt painfully that None except perhaps myself is interested in my conversations.
Not getting the expected responses is another conversation breaker.
So, this is my situation. I invested my life in developing my communication skills, and yet, as described above, in most social settings I have realised it's better to keep my mouth shut in my own long term self interest. Vexxing, to say the least. And so, I talk to myself. The voice in my head is a great friend, a perfect companion. It wasn't easy at first. I had to practice to keep my mouth shut and let myself do the talking with myself. It's like playing chess with oneself. But once I got the hang of it, I started liking it. And now it's beginning to worry. If someone wants to speak to me now, which is usually about routine matters anyway, I find my thoughts disturbed. I snap at people for the silliest reason because I get interrupted. How might it appear for the external person? An ill mannered person I would guess.
Within my mind however, it's fun and games. I have now a full fledged debate club. I take sides, sometimes contrary, sometimes nuanced, and I debate on the silliest of things. I mean it's an open club, without fear of rejection or exposition... I think I may have created a parallel world in my mind, which is cuttinge off the real world. How will that turn out for me... A mental institution perhaps! A place where my overactive mind keeps itself occupied debating silly stuff overindulgently, But for the world it may be golden silence.
Yes, I think I may be heading to madness. Where externally, my system appears hung to people. But within, the CPU is running at full capacity.
